Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was deep love.
Did you know This blog actually started off as a baking and confectionary business? Well failed one anyway!
The last couple years have been incredibly rough for me, family dramas, work dramas, health dramas, you name it. It all started with a sudden deterioration of my health and the development of migraines, since having a blood virus a few years back I have suffered migraines and light sensitivity. Gradually these migraines started to get incredibly painful, like, head in hands, blacking out painful, I was having vision black outs, it was a scary time. battling these migraines and working in a very stressful environment, as well as other personal pressures and stresses I fell into a very deep, dark hole of depression. I didn't want to live anymore, I felt like an inconvenience to everyone around me, I didn't seek help and it got worse. I had a full blown mental breakdown, I snapped, I took myself of to see my doctor who was trying to find the cause of the migraines, trying different medications. I was signed off work for 8 weeks as I was so unstable, I'd like to say I was supported through this time but unfortunately I wasn't, an illness has to be visible to be real right??!
I suppose I should tell you what tipped me over? A man. God it's so pathetic but heartbreak sent me over the edge. In a previous post I told you about my most recent experience with plenty of fish, click here to read it but pof is where my next story starts.
August 2015, No names mentioned, not that he knows this blog exists! I met an attractive, like minded guy, our first date ended up being rescheduled twice! (First sign?) I got delayed in Legoland and then the next day he was too hung over. Eventually we went for dinner and we chatted the entire evening and he then took me home, our second date was a picnic in Eynsford. Castle ruins, rivers, sunshine and spectacular views, I couldn't ask for a more romantic day. We spent a good deal of the day sitting on top of a hill chatting away, it was a regret for us both that we did not share our first kiss there, our first kiss was shared on our third date in the cinema.
We we went on to have a couple weeks of dating bliss, it soon started to go down hill when I wanted to enter a relationship but he didn't, when I pressed for a reason his response was to jump into another girls bed. This is when this story should finish, but it doesn't. Stupid me.
Our "relationship" became incredibly rocky, every time I walked away he managed to pull me back in, I think I loved him, as just the thought of him now still makes my heart twitch! Towards the end of "us" after walking away once again he contacted me again, he missed me, he wants me, he wanted to make up for his behaviour. He had remembered that I love Brighton, it is my favourite place in the UK to visit so he picked me up 2 days later after work and off we went for a "romantic" weekend away to Brighton. Of course the weekend didn't get off to the best start, we ended up in a car accident as soon as we arrived in Brighton, a drunken man had walked out in front of the car in front of us and despite hitting the breaks we still went in to the back of the car. Fortunately it wasn't serious, think I was the only one who walked away with an injury, I had spilt coffee all over myself ...and the car, I had also cut my knee where my seat belt had yanked me back. A week later I actually ended up being carted away in an Ambulance, where my chest was crushed by the seat belt an infection had formed in the walls and cartilage of my chest, I was bed bound for a week.
Back to Brighton, so the first night was spent trying to get the car back into shape, and listening to him lie to his insurance about being alone in the car. Again stupid me. The rest of the weekend was spent with him watching some league of legends tournament on not just his phone but mine as well, I did manage to get some attention from him in the arcades where he worked incredibly hard to get me a tiny gold notebook key ring from a 2p machine. The sex was on point, think over the time we were together, the sex was always very good, we laid in bed on our last night there and he, for the first time, really opened up to me, this guy was not a hearts and flowers guy, getting him to talk about his feelings was as hard as juicing a stone, impossible. So there I am, head on his chest, smiling ear to ear with happiness, he was actually opening up about how he felt and then it got super weird, he started to talk about babies and how he would love to be a single dad. What. The. Fuck. so our romantic weekend was just weird from beginning to finish, but I was obsessed with him, I wish I could explain it but I can't.
so things were OK for another week until one morning, out of the blue his phone was set to 'contents hidden'. Filled with wonder and curiosity I headed over to his computer where Facebook was logged in, my heart shattered, he was talking to a number of girls he had met on pof, even as recent as the day after we got back from Brighton, arranging to meet up with her. Keeping my cool I waited for him to get out of the shower where I casually asked if there were other girls, "no, why would you ask that?" He looked me in the eyes and he lied to me, I didn't have time to go nuclear on him so I asked "can I see you tonight?" He told me He'd like that and out he ran to work.
That night, was our last night "dating", I stayed the night, I played games, asked little questions, I wanted him to tell me how he felt about me, the response i got "oh go away", I went nuclear, I have never shouted and screamed at a guy than I did at him, his excuse "she's a Trollop, I wasn't actually going to see her", he laughed at me, he just didn't care that I was falling to pieces in front of him. I left and got the train home, I cried all the way. It was a couple weeks after that I broke down.
He has since told me he was depressed, and apologised for everything, he has since moved on and has even moved the new girl in, that decision was made after he cheated on her with me, knowing him his thinking is if she lives here, I can't cheat! Dick.
So back to why I started blogging! I was severely depressed, under going counselling, I developed a passion for baking. My cakes and sweets are popular amongst friends and family and it was suggested I start my own business! I took a online course for a diploma in food safety and hygiene and Abigail's Treats was born, explains the email right?!
orders started to come in, and I wasn't prepared, business wise and mentally, I was just so drained as I was still working full time as well. Eventually it became all too much, so I stopped taking orders, at this point I had actually gained a following on Instagram so I was at odds at what I was going to do with that account, website and email until I read an article in a magazine in the canteen at work about a blogger who had overcome severe anxiety by blogging so decision made, I typed my first post about migraines and here I am! It has been the best decision I have had made. I have met so many wonderful people, it has brought me closer to my future roomie GlamGlitzGloss.
Tanya has been blogging for over 6 years so she keeps me in the loop of what's the blogging dos and don'ts, who's who and which events to look out for, I have so much love for her, she came back into my life after growing apart when I really needed a friend, she's the force of nature I needed to get my arse back on track in life.
So there you have it, i don't blog "for the free stuff" I don't blog "because of others". I am fully aware I am not the greatest of writers but I blog to help with my depression (which I am doing very very well, have been off the anti-depressants for two months now!) everything else, the followers, the gifts, working with brands it's just the cherry on top of an already awesome sundae. I have no expectations from this blog, it's purpose is not to make money, it's purpose is for me and those who wish to read my ramblings!