Grief is the last act of love we have to give to those we loved. Where there is deep grief, there was deep love.
2017 was supposed to be,my year, I celebrated New Year with the man I loved, I made resolutions, some I kept and some I broke, turns out 2017 isn't my year.
In March I lost the greatest man in my life, my Grandfather, after a battle with not just one cancer but two he lost his battle. He was an extraordinary man, he worked hard to raise his family, he loved to learn and teach, if it wasn't for my grandfather I wouldn't be the creative I am now. He taught me how to appreciated ballet and classical music, he encouraged my love for art by teaching me about types of art and buying me the finest art supplies, he thought I never knew but I know he partially funded my childhood activities. He worked as an electrician and the occasional handy man but he should of been a teacher as you had no choice but to listen and learn from him, as soon as you would start zone out you'd get a sharp jab and "are you listening to me! Your not listening!". If you ever needed to know anything and he didn't know, his head would be straight into the books until he knew. The man could talk for England and I miss him so much, he was a very proud man, I had never heard him tell anyone he loved them, if you told him you loved him his response was always " yeah, yeah mate" with a pat on the back and sneaky fiver slipped into your hand followed by the whisper " sweetie money, don't tell your Nan"
3 months after his passing we buried his ashes last Friday by a cherry tree in the crematorium gardens, he is finally resting in peace.
I met T on the dating website Plenty of Fish last year, we chatted for a while, with my grandfather being ill and having some other life dramas I put off meeting him for a few months. He was quite persistent, most guys would of just given up and would never of been in touch again but he persevered and we finally had our first date on firework night. I actually had some reservations on whether I could romantically like this guy but the date was successful, we went to a firework display in Bexleyheath, we explored the fair and watched the incredible display, we then headed to Eltham for a drink to bring some warmth back into our fingers and toes!.
It wasn't until our 3rd date we decided we wanted to be together and build a relationship, he certainly wasn't perfect, he was the fussiest man I have ever met and has a passion for golf, which funnily enough I was warned by a friend to run a mile from, these two traits made our relationship a challenge but we always managed to work through it. He lived a distance from me, not an insane distance but did mean he had to do a lot of driving to make the relationship work, I also had to give up my weekends which at the time I was head over heels and was more than happy to, if I wanted to see friends though it was never a problem.
7 months down the line, his best friend that had hardly been mentioned before becomes along newly single and a trip to Amsterdam gets brought up. Now let's get one thing straight, I have a ZERO tolerance for drugs, I told him this on our very first date, T isn't a massive drinker and he's not one to go for the sights so you can imagine what the purpose of the trip was for. Naturally I was upset and expressed my feelings about it all, they were dismissed, we argued and Amsterdam wasn't brought up again, well not for another month anyway. A month or so goes by and he drops it on me at work, he was booking Amsterdam that evening, I was fuming, I had so many different emotions going through me I just couldn't speak to him so I left it a day before talking to him about it, it was then we had a worst argument to date, turns out T is a regular weed smoker and bluntly refused to stop for the sake of our relationship, so I ended it. It broke me, truly it did, he broke my heart and we have not been in touch since.
Just a short week after my relationship ending I had to say goodbye to the one and only best friend I have ever had, my muttly Tuscan.
Tuscan was brought home by my parents when I was 14 years old, we rescued him by a family that neglected to give him the appropriate care, when he came to us he was a near skeleton. When I was 14 I had social anxiety so bad I rarely left the house except for school and I had no friends, Tuscan became my buddy, my little shadow. He never got along with other animals, we had to be careful when we walked him as he loved to go for another dog, which is a shame as he was a big softie at heart, he had love for everyone, whether they wanted his love or not!
He loved his garden, he loved his teddies and he sure did love his food, he knew when you where upset, whenever I was in tears he would cuddle up with me, give me a big kiss and rest his head on my knee.
He was a therapy dog, he kept my mum going though her toughest times, he kept me sane & kept my sister company.
Being a staffie he had had fair share of tumours, this is common in staffies, but due to the neglect and abuse of the previous family Tuscan developed arthritis in his hips and lower back early on, this didn't slow him down for a good few years. It wasn't until he turned 12 we noticed he was slowing down, gradually his back legs started to have a mind of their own. We battled with the decision to end his life for months until recently it got to a point the pain killers were no longer working and he was now suffering.
On Wednesday the 13th July, we said our final goodbyes, something in us told us he knew. Whilst we waited to see the vet he sat down with my mum, put a paw on each of her shoulders and gave her the biggest kiss, as if he was reassuring her. I can't go into much detail as this is breaking my heart but he kept staring up into the corner of the room, I'd like to believe my grandad had come to get him.
The last two weeks have possibly been the hardest two weeks of my life, first week was the break up and the second week was loosing Tuscan and burying my grandads ashes. I have had kind messages from people, but not one person has spared the time to meet me for coffee or a drink. If roles were reversed I'd be the first to be by their side if they wanted me to be, I'm too soft for my own good.
I have never felt so lonely in my entire life.